Brandi (youphoric) wrote,
Brandi
youphoric

Lukewarm Happiness

I woke up one morning not to long ago and realized that I'm not really happy. On the surface, I can laugh, feel joy, have fun and all that. But at the core I feel...indifferent. I've tried very hard to blame my lack of happiness on men or loneliness or a myriad of different things. The truth is I have an overabundance of friends and a roommate and I don't need a man. Right now, I don't even care to have one(a big accomplishment in and of itself).

The truth is that I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I've always like computer programming. It appeals to my logical side and I have always been almost crazy obsessed with displaying that to the world. I've always felt too irrational or overemotional, as though compassion and emotion are evils within myself.

However, I don't feel like I'm fulfilling my God-given purpose. I'm not living up to my potential. Although I very seldom admit it, I actually know what I want to do with my life. My dream is lulled to sleep by visions of large paychecks dancing in my head.

What is my true dream? Well, I want to run a company that has two parts, one profit and one non-profit. The profit company would be a theatre company that presents all types of plays from all relgious and philosophical areas (that sure would piss a lot of Christians off!) A small percentage of their proceeds would go to the non-profit. The non-profit would be a Creative Arts school. They would create and hold events at the school and all the proceeds would go to a scholarship fund for the students. Because of this, there would be strict rules for admission and retention in the school. Also, there would be parental requirements for staying in the school as well. No school I found will have students whose parents don't at least act like they care.

That's my dream. I've decided to start small. After I finish my Master's program, I am going to volunteer at a theatre and learn the ropes. Maybe I'll even go back to school. One day, however, I want to shed my lukewarm happiness. If I place myself where God intended, then I will be happy no matter what.
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