I feel as though I have so far to go to be the person I want to be. That is depressing. However, it makes me feel better that I'm not alone. All of my friends have expressed the need to be better than they are.
It's funny how we people in our mid-twenties compare ourselves to each other and think we don't measure up. If all of us feel this way, who in the world are we NOT adding up to? It befuddles me that we can zero on on the small subset of people who are getting married or have their crap together and compare ourselves to that.
Besides, all those people who I looked at and said they were getting married? Most of them are now getting divorced. Maybe they didn't have all their crap together after all.
I'm just tired of all this pressure. I always feel this pressure to be married or successful or thin or...one hundred different things. It's to the point where I can't even distinquish between self-drive (i. e. personal pressure) or pressure from external forces. Am I forcing all of these expectations on myself? I don't think so, but maybe.
I just wish I could do the wrong things sometime and not have to worry about not being responsible. Sometimes, we do the wrong thing because we make a mistake. Other times, we do the wrong thing because we want to do it and we accept the consequences. I feel like I hardly ever do what I want to do; I only do the right thing. And it is draining.
For once, I was able to let all of the responsibility and pressure go and do something horribly irresponsible. For once, I didn't feel guilty about it.
That is the story of last weekend. And that's all you need to know :)